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A Memo to Acme Employees
By: Andrew Scott
Office of Human Resources Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: HR and Senior Management
Date: September 6, 2021
Re: Post-COVID Back-to-Work in Office Protocol
Welcome back to “in-person” employment!
Now that COVID has ended and our workforce is vaccinated, we are thrilled to welcome all of you back to the office, and to see our business practice return to pre-pandemic times.
We in HR and Senior Management want to congratulate each and every one of you for weathering the storm, staying safe and keeping our clientele engaged during this difficult and trying time.
As a result of our recent internal review of post-COVID back-to-work in-office protocols, we wanted to provide you with a reminder and update regarding best practices for “in-person” work here at ACME.
Unlike remote work on Zoom or Microsoft Teams, pants are mandatory at all times here at ACME (HR recommends a pair that does not, in fact, have an elastic waistband). Once again, our clientele will now be looking at all of you, and not just from the waist up, so the expectation is a full and professional dress code.
Sophie M., that includes sensible corporate footwear and not the “Cheeseburger Slippers” that you have been wearing for the last 18-months, and which you showed up in last Wednesday for our 10 A.M. pitch meeting.
The Work Day:
Please note that the workday at ACME begins at 9 AM.
For many of you, online remote work has meant the ability to roll out of bed at 8:50, 8:55, or that one time last October when Ralph S. from Finance set his alarm for 8:59 and then sprinted to our Monday morning check-in call, arriving with only six seconds to spare.
And while, admittedly, this was a pandemic skill that at least some of us cultivated, there is no tolerance for in-person tardiness at ACME. Our ongoing expectation is punctual arrival and office dismissal.
Terms of Employment:
The expectation of HR and Senior Management at ACME is, unless pre-approved, every employee will work an eight-hour day, five days per week.
HR feels the need to remind all staff about this expectation, as IT has reported that even a cursory glance at the current social media accounts of many of our employees lists any number of so-called “side hustles” or “pandemic pivots.”
HR has chosen to adopt the position that, during the lockdown months when we were working remotely, said “side hustle” business activities were taking place outside of ACME’s regular business hours.
For example, when we were working remotely, if Frank G. from Accounting wanted to run out to his garage to complete a few orders for his adult beverage-themed birdhouse Etsy company: “Tequila Mockingbird,” he could do this relatively easily and without detection from upper management.
Please note that the same does not apply for “in-person” employment. Further, it was not lost on senior management that there was a trail of wood shavings coming from the cubicle area just yesterday afternoon. This discovery, plus the fact that Lydia, our CEO, mistook Bob R’s expired sourdough starter for her afternoon Keto Icelandic yogurt, resulted in the company having to cancel our last Board of Directors meeting.
Accordingly, HR felt the need to publicly acknowledge that you cannot bring your woodworking projects, bespoke children’s handmade clothing line, or your “side hustle” of leading online guitar master classes while working “in-person” here at the office.
Non-Employees in the Work Environment:
Judging by the number of times last week that an Amazon delivery person arrived at our office looking for one “Janelle” (someone who does not, in fact, work for this company), management has concluded that the R&D department is currently sharing a Prime account. Please note that the ACME office is not to function as a site for curbside grocery drop off, nor a “safe” space for Kijiji meetups. This is a place of employment and shall remain that way.
HR thanks you for taking the time to read this internal memo on post-COVID Back-to-work in office protocols.
If you have any follow up questions or concerns, please note that Stephen, your HR consultant, has relocated his office desk to the ACME communal kitchen in order to hover around the refrigerator, as that is what he has been doing for the last year and half or so.